Ain’t no-one steppin’ to me

Everyone hates receptionists right? They’re snotty cows more interested in filing their nails than answering calls, who’d rather gossip with their mates than tell the boss you’re here for an interview, and whose one mission in life is to minimise the time they have to actually spend talking to you.

Right? Damn right! Let me tell you how it be when you’re working the reception beat. When I says “Good morning (Company name)! How can I help you!” you oughta know that what I mean is “Piss off and die shithead – you be messing with my game of Minesweeper/message board posting/phone call to my bitch in New Zealand”. And, yeah fool, you best believe I’m making that call on a company phone. Don’t be giving me no bullshit attitude when I tells you the boss can’t take your call right now neither. You won’t be getting no call back cos I’ll throw your name and number in the bin soon as I’ve hung up – suckas! Yeah, give me a telephonist’s headset and a message pad, and I’ll be the baddest-assed receptionist who ever cheated on her timesheet.

I’m taking maybe four smoke breaks a day, and I don’t care how many times that damn telephone rings. I tells the boss “Yo – I be on a break ‘mofo’ – deal with it”. Or I be leavin’ early – telling them I gots to be at the dentist. Sometimes, if I be getting too much wack attitude, I won’t even announce the caller before I puts the call through.

You might think with the shit I be pulling all day that I must be getting my chops busted, right? Bossman gonna be giving me hassle? Think again, beeyatches – aint no-one steppin’ to ME. Cos, when I gets my groove on, I can answer that phone like no other temp ho in the bizness. When Jenny’s on reception, they knows I be deliverin’ the goods – I’ll transfer your call so smooth ‘n’ sweet you be jonesin’ for my professional manner. Ain’t no fool can order a international courier faster than me. And I be DA BOMB at collating and stapling faxes.

When I’m around, that shit gets SORTED. The mad office skillz that I got be making sure I WORTH the extra 25p an hour my agency charge.

Now I know you all be giving me my props when you read this, and wondering how you can be as fly as me. Well, first of all you gots to get yourself your own sweet receptionist job. And don’t be thinking you can ever be as bad as me, cos this be my world, and you just squirrelz trying to get a nut.

But I’m gonna take pity on you, cuz you all be my homies. I gots the 411 to help you make your way in my world, and it be how to deal with two of the most wack callers you’ll ever have ridin’ your ass.

1) Cold Callers

You best believe these muthas be testing your patience. They be calling, like “Could I please talk to the Office Manager?”. They makes out like they spoken to them before, but you KNOW they be lyin’, cuz they ain’t even got the manager’s name. Ain’t no WAY no manager’s gonna take a call from some sales guy. So if they trying to sell you air-conditioning, don’t take that shit! Even if it’s 100 degrees and you be sweatin and jonesin for a fan, remember they sweating even more, cuz they be workin’ on commission, and that is WACK! You gotta say the manager be in a meeting, even if she standing right in front of you. Damn straight they’ll call back but you tell then your air-con needs be all catered for, and best believe they’ll get tha message. That coldcall shit is f***ed up, and you gotta cut them off deader than Tupac.

2) Flirty callers

These guys, they think you be putting their call through quicker if they says you gots the sexiest voice they ever heard. Fools. They think Jenny be turned on by IT specialists from Walsall? I may mess with them a little, say I be feenin’ for them to come by the office for a meeting, so I can maybe scope them out some. But then they be wondering how come they be sitting on hold so many minutes. Suckas!

Well, I be audi in 5, but I hope you all learned that next time you see some ho sitting at reception you better give her some respec’ – cuz what go around come around, and I be sick and motherf***ing tired of fools thinking I be just some phone-answering beeyatch. I be the motherf***ing Don of this desk, baby. Thats how I’m livin’.