Crash Your Car To Save the Planet

Have you been wondering what to do with that old environmentally unfriendly old banger of yours? Feeling guilty because it won’t take unleaded petrol and hasn’t been fitted with a catalytic converter? Then worry no more. Here’s the ultimate solution: CRASH IT!!

Yes, crash it, girls – you know it makes sense. 100% eco-friendly as all scrap metal can be recycled. Being such an earth saving saint you wouldn’t want to fob the ecological time bomb off on to some other poor soul through the small ads in the paper, would you? Of course not!

Anyway, the more outrageous and ridiculous your story sounds, the larger your social circle will grow. I guarantee you will be able to dine out for free on your wild and wacky tales of “the day I did my bit for the environment playing dodgems with a Lada”.

How do I know? Well, I had to test the theory out, didn’t I? And my Mark II mustard yellow Ford Escort 1300 GT (with obligatory “go faster” stripes) was the perfect vehicle to practise on. Of course, it won’t be going faster anymore, not since it hit the back of the milk float. Yes, a stationary milk float! What can I say – the sun was low, the road was icy and white and the back of the milk float appeared to be the same colour as the road? Oh, and the moon was full, my demister wasn’t working and it was that time of the month. Or something like that.

Should you decide to follow my programme to rid this world of useless lumps of metal, there are much better things you could choose to crash into. Tasty geezers in Audi’s and Alfa Romeo’s for a start. They might not be too happy that you’ve crumpled their expensive bodywork initially but a bit of demented eyelash fluttering and a cutie pie voice should smooth over the worst. At which point you can point out that you selflessly let your smaller, weaker mini metro take the brunt of the impact. Indeed, your car will be a write-off and what has he got to worry about? Only a bodywork bill of a few thousand pounds he can claim on his insurance.

However, for those truly selfless dedicated saints who wouldn’t want to harm a fly, let alone anyone else, you will have to arrange to crash into a stationary object such as a wall. Top tip: try to jump out of the car before the impact.

And when you’ve finished with your pile of junk and had it condensed into a cube by the local car crushers, you can send it back to the manufacturers with a note saying: “That’s what I think of your patronising, sexist, repugnant advertising, you male chauvinist creeps.” Under the Women Are Contrary Creatures Rules sub-section 3 on “Making It Up As We Go Along” you are of course allowed to employ this method whilst still dating Mr Tasty Geezer from the Alfa Romeo.