David Bowie rules, OK?

There are so many reasons why the artist formerly known as David Jones, Ziggy Stardust, Aladdin Sane and the Thin White Duke is the hippest and coolest 53-year-old dude in the world, but none more so than the arrival of his daughter, Alexandria Zahra Jones.

How any man can look so good at 53 is beyond me. His wife Iman also looks PDG (pretty damn good) for a 45-year-old who’s only recently given birth. Or at least they both do in their made-up, airbrushed photos in Hello! (wouldn’t want to nitpick or anything, but have you seen Dave down your local Kwik Save “au naturel” on a Sunday morning recently?).

Our Dave’s always been hip, cool, trendy and one step ahead of the in-crowd.
Despite having lived the typical rock star life at a frenetic pace, Bowie has aged at least twice as well as his chum, Jagger. Mick may still be as thin as a stick but his face has more crevices than the Grand Canyon. Bearing in mind DB’s other hobby of painting, I have to ask Dave: where’ve you hidden the painting of Dorien (Bowie) Grey? Is it in Switzerland?

The fact that Bowiekins, Iman and Alexandria can get splashed all over the cover of Hello! without looking naff is another testament to the Bowie Rule Bypass Theory. (That the chocolate-scoffing Turner/Bovey couple and those other recent parents Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas do look as if they’ve joined the World of Wallydom, could be because they were all featured in OK!, the poor man’s Hello!)

How many other times has the Bowie Rule Bypass Theory swung in Dave’s favour? Let me see…. Gnomes are naff right? After all when it was discovered that John Major’s father, Tom Major (who lived in Brixton and changed his name from Ball) made garden gnomes, it was met with howls of derision. Whereas when our Mr Jones (also from Brixton, also changed his name and sang about a Major Tom) wrote a tune called The Laughing Gnome for his first son – Zowie, or Joe, or Duncan, or whatever his name is these days – we all thought it was cute and sweet that he’d written such a kitsch little song for his son. One, two, three: aaaah! (Although I’m surprised that the ever-changing lyricmeister didn’t go further with the Major / Ball / Brixton / Gnomes connection – think about it Dave: there could be a concept album in there somewhere.)

And, lastly, apart from having beaten the godawful Turner-Boveys in the Cool
Dude Stakes (hardly a difficult task), the Bowie babe looks far happier and intelligent than the dopey Dylan Douglas featured in OK! Immediately obvious as having a better dressed baby with at least 4 outfit changes during the photo-shoot (so important when starting out your career as a rock star tot), Iman and Dave have the decency to wear some seriously cool and classy clothes themselves, unlike the semi-naked, eyes wide shut Zeta and Douglas. Tsk! Tsk! Catherine – you’ve got a long way to go to catch up!

Of course I could just be hoping that the “Curse of Hello!” might yet split Iman and Dave asunder (shame on me!). How could I possibly think that he could be happier with me (plump little unknown dumpling that I am) rather than his tall, slim, elegant, beautiful wife? Dunno … but the teenage girl’s game of “doesn’t Sharon Bowie sound good?” never entirely fades away.