Don’t eat anything ever again!

After all the scares over beef, lamb, chicken, eggs and almost every other foodstuff on the supermarket shelves, it’s hard to believe that the whole country hasn’t converted to lentil eating veganism. For the hardy / foolish (delete as you think applicable) few who continue with their omnivorous tastes, this is a brief recap of the risks, but not necessarily the ones you will find in your Daily Scaremonger…

MEAT
Risks: BSE, CJD, ME, MD (Meatloaf Doppelgänger syndrome)
Reality: Bad breath, slow digestion, constipation, a feeling of meat-eating smugness

DONER KEBABS
Associated risks: Drinking twelve pints of lager and singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ badly whilst falling over.

FISH & CHICKEN
Associated risk: Being mistaken for either (a) the Queen Mother or (b) Roger Daltrey when you have to have a wishbone or fish bone removed.

FISH
Reality: Would you eat something that had been living in the toxic waste and sewage infested cesspits that pass for our rivers and oceans nowadays?

MILK
Risks: WMS (white moustache syndrome), people thinking that you’re a bit of wuss if you still drink milk (neat) and haven’t progressed to black coffee before you’re 30.

EGGS
Risks: Danger of burning yourself whilst frying, scrambling, boiling or poaching said items. Even worse, runny eggs can cause severe problems, most notably yellow splodges on ties, shirts, jackets etc and produce a by product known as Embarrassment throughout the day.

BAKED BEANS
Risks: Red stains on clothing, producing excessive quantities of methane gas.

BREAD (ciabatta)
Risks: Broken teeth; pasty, flour covered hands and clothes – the combined effect of which could lead to being mistaken for a boxer.

BUTTER
Risks: Acne, SFS (shiny forehead syndrome), a very thick waistline.

CHINESE TAKEAWAYS
Associated risks: Either (a) being taken for a prat as you battle to eat the meal the “proper” way with the cheap, throwaway chopsticks provided; or (b) accumulating a cutlery drawer containing 4 knives, 3 forks and 29 sets of unused chopsticks.

MARMITE
Risk: Never being kissed again.