Give me a research grant now!

Having read all the latest research reports and statistics in the press (some of which you may have missed – you never know!), I’m able to let you in on the latest “amazing” discoveries:

1. Stairs are dangerous (shock! horror! probe!) and we should all take more care whilst galloping upstairs, use the handrail (gosh! and there we were, ignorant plebs, unaware of the use of the piece of wood at the side), fit carpets safely and ensure adequate lighting (yeah, I always hurtle up three flights in the dark out of choice, don’t you?).

2. Children have difficulty reading the small print in books. Well, huh? Surely this is good preparation for vast disappointments later in life when adults have difficulty reading the minute print on very dodgy contracts. Get them reading Postman Pat with a magnifying glass in the nursery, that’s what I say!

3. Consuming vast amount of fizzy drinks is NOT A GOOD THING and could even lead to a greater risk of osteoporosis. Given that people who drink effervescent colas by the gallon may not have a regular order with the milkman, could these two things possibly be related? “I think we should be told” as the late John Junor would have said.

4. Most mystics and astrologers base their careers on “barnum statements” that simply reflect what people want to hear. The professors of prediction are also less accurate than normal (if that’s possible) on Mondays (apparently) so don’t bother to read your horoscope on that day (according to research in the Daily Mail).

5. People who are poor have less money, status, power, and self-respect than people who are rich which leads to years of depression, a deep-seated loathing of the aristocracy, the senior management at work and anyone who can dare to afford a mink coat. (Actually I made this one up but I’m sure there’s a team of researchers making themselves very rich working on a hypothesis like this right now.)

6. The National Institute for Clinical Effectiveness (yes, really, a research body that deliberately chose the acronym NICE) is one of the most prolific organisations at spewing forth ream upon ream of piffling twaddle dressed up as important research for the benefit of the health of the nation that Old Wives and anyone with an ounce of common sense could have told them over a pint of beer for a fraction of the cost.

7. Research statisticians are grossly overpaid, over-indulged, under-worked, condescending, professors of the absolutely, glaringly, manifestly, self-evident humdrum everyday “phenomena” who plainly all graduate from the University of BORES (Bleeding Obvious Re-search Scientists) to a Utopian life of being paid to find out things we already know! What a life! Give me some of that please!