How to be a Wimble-bore!

Every two years the British viewing public has to tussle for the remote control in a fight for either Euro/World Cup football coverage or Wimbledon. But no more! With this handy guide, 200 hours of tennis coverage have been conveniently condensed to half an hour. You know it makes sense!

Rain delays play. The Australian Pat Rafter complains about the British weather. An unseeded male player complains about overweight and unfit female players. The British spectators complain about the price of strawberries and the length of the queues. The ticket touts complain about nothing.

Anna Kournikova is arrested for public indecency after interpreting the All England Lawn Tennis Club’s “predominantly white” rule as applying to her mini skirt and sponsored sports bra. The tabloids have a field day with salacious photos.

Rain delays play. Bjorn Borg gives his opinion on “Pistol Pete” saying that “six titles is enough for anyone”.

Tin Henman is knocked out by an unseeded “wild card” qualifier from Mongolia, ranked 400 in the world.

Greg Rusedski, that other great “British” player, is spotted on a beach in Rio, having been humiliated on the opening day by the worst player in the history of the game.

Rain delays play. Anyone who’s anyone buys a Fred Perry sweater and an “Anna Kournikova” bra in Lillywhites.

Play continues sporadically on the sacrosanct “middle Sunday”. Cliff Richard declines to put on another impromptu performance, saying it will damage his career if he becomes known simply as “the man who sings at Wimbledon when it rains”.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson is seen out with Andre Agassi who is desperate for some publicity to detract from Mr Perfect Pete Sampras. Steffi Graf (Agassi’s girlfriend) scowls at the press.

Arantxa Sanchez does a “McEnroe” by swearing at the umpire and incurs a court violation fine after using the end of her racket to dig into the sodden turf to demonstrate how “pathetically wet” Wimbledon is.

DAY 10
Talk is briefly mooted and swiftly dropped again about the possibility of a part-enclosed stadium with a sliding roof over Centre Court. Des Lynam suggests that the wishy-washy tennis players should play at Selhurst Park and let Wimbledon FC’s “Crazy Gang” take over the All England Lawn Tennis Club.

DAY 11
Mr Blobby, coached by Noel Edmonds, reaches the quarter-finals and is hailed in the press as the next great British hope since Fred Perry in 1936. Mr Blobby instantly disappears in a puff of obscurity and fails to reach the first round next year.

DAY 12
Mary Pierce loses her semi-final and leaves the stadium in tears, blaming “family problems” once again.

DAY 13
Martina Hingis beats Lindsay Davenport in a thrilling two-hour, three set final which goes to 20 -18 in the final set. Men still complain the women’s game is boring.

DAY 14
Pete Sampras and Lleyton Hewitt reach the Men’s Final for a repeat of their showdown at Queen’s. In a three set final lasting just 59 minutes and containing 60 aces, 30 double faults, 0 rallies and 0 volleys, no one cares who is the winner.