Porn and a bag of chips

Last night I was introduced to porn (wow, an extremely abrupt starting for me!) and I’m not sure how to approach this subject, being the pure innocent being that I am (don’t even TRY to hide your laughing!).

Last night, we were gonna go out and party, but decided to go to the cinema and watch Scream 3 instead. I hate that film, its horrid, horrid HORRID! I didn’t like it one bit. In fact, I think I spent most of the time with my fingers in my ears, my eyes closed and somehow (don’t ask me how I managed coz I don’t know, it must be something you learn to do when you never stop eating) with chocolate in my mouth.

Horrid, horrid, horrid (yet again). Matthew and I decided afterwards that we’d get fish and chips (so much for my figgin’ aim to look like Britney Spears in a red catsuit!) and the started watching this porn video a blokey from work lent him. I’ve never seen porn before and the closest I’ve got is watching the 10-minute preview on cable (Which is British porn, so nothing special) and Men’s night on ‘Granada Men and Motors’ (these are all while I’m at Matthew’s house I best remind you!).

So as I was saying, this video was like a bit of a shock, it was a bit crap in fact! I expected it to be all glam (as glam as porn can be) with beautiful bouncy blonds and nice sexy, cute-assed, big willies and lots of hard going fucking (gees, I’m so rude!). I always got quite intrigued with the soft porn on TV like the normal 10-minute preview, but I was always disappointed that it always seemed to be women sucking vibrators, and then men (who have cute bums) show nothing BUT their cute bums! So I thought, ‘hmm, ok, I’ll watch this video, maybe I’ll get to see something more interesting’.

Boy was I wrong. This video was not blonds and shagging at all. It was from Amsterdam and was made out in a sort of documentary form, where they made out that they were ‘persuading’ these women to sleep with the cameramen. Bull. No woman would suck the fat, ugly hairy chest man, with the flabby bum! No way José.

So there I am, sausage and chips on a tray, lots of ketchup, a glass of archers on the table, and porn on the TV. What more could a girl ask for? (hmm don’t bother answering that I think I’ve realised just how dense that sentence looked).

We start off with Zoe. She has been hired to have some ‘soft porn’ pictures taken. The ‘director’ says something along the lines of “don’t be persuaded to do anything else rar rar rar, I’m a pervy old fat man who has to play the director, coz I cant get a bone on”. Zoe, all blond and shaved beaver, gets to it in her sexy red g-string and stockings, with tacky black high heels (you’d think they’d pick something that matched the entire class of the film, ah oops! They did!).

Zoe starts of with a bit of delving, a bit of flicking nipples, the usual stuff, then ‘Chris’ the camera man comes in and some how ‘persuades’ (he asks her once she says yes) her to suck his cock. So there we go, he gets his todger out, I was (understandably) disappointed with the size, and they got to it. Now there is one thing (well two, but the other thing will arrive later) I don’t ‘do’ during sex, and that’s receive spunk gracefully. You get asked if you swallow or spit, my answer is to remove my head and retreat as far away as possible, so to have this man jacking off (he had to finish himself off) into her mouth and smear it all over her face, made me wanna boke, and my sausage (the battered one from the chippy) was promptly removed from mouth and placed on Matthew’s paper.

So this went on, and we got to the next one. I can’t remember her name, she was just old and saggy, wearing (how conveniently) a cut away bra (saggy tits) and a corsetty thing, and let me just say this, I’m not happy with my body (in fact I think I look like a blimp) but oh my God! I enjoyed this one because she had a bigger ass than me! And then there was Emelo or whatever his name was, and OH MY, he had a foot long weaner and to make it all the better he was a sexy black man. I thought “ooo I’m gonna enjoy this one” and settled back with another drink and a close eye on the screen!

Things were going fine, a little threesome got going, sexy black man, saggy tits, and big belly (her husband) and they got at it and I was thinking, ‘quite nice, one man to dive, the other to do other stuff’ but which I wont go into because if I’m not careful my entire article will be censored!

And then somebody else turns up, and we have one man in erm, the normal bit, and a weaner in her ass. The magic stopped for me. In fact, I spent the rest of the video saying ‘forward‘. It was kinda gross.

So, is this it, am I destined to see crap porn, or is there some glassy no ass fucking stuff? I was well disappointed! In fact, I was a bit bored (heaven forbid). Maybe we should make our own (when I loose two stone and have had a boob job). Hmm, maybe, I should shut up now!

Until next time my dears!