Unsolicited advice to people in Soapland

Frank Butcher
Time for Sharanski to say: “I told you so”. You obviously followed my earlier advice to “get it on with Pat” but you messed up the finale, you plonker! You were supposed to elope to Gretna Green, not Manchester. It’s no wonder Pat stormed out of the car frustrated with your bad planning.

Jim McDonald
Catch yerself on, Jim. Jez was an evil, violent psychopathic killer and villain-about-town. He had what was coming to him. Now get yourself an expensive lawyer pronto!

Ian Beale
A trip down the Yellow Brick Road would do you the world of good. After all, the Tin Man got a heart, the Scarecrow a brain and the Lion some much-needed courage. Ian: you need all three and that’s just for starters. A personality transplant, a charisma bypass reversal operation and some lessons in humility would be next on the agenda.

Barry Evans
Get yourself down to the gym that is supposedly run by Steve Owen or Phil Mitchell (or whoever owns it these days) before Natalie gives up on you as a lost cause.

Duggie Ferguson
You need a sabbatical after your recent debacles in Weatherfield. Why don’t you disappear off to London for a while? After you’ve spent a month trying to find a reasonable, decent flat to rent (for one person) on your newly reduced income perhaps you won’t be so Rachmanian towards your tenants in future.

Pauline Fowler, Mo Slater, Gail Platt

Lady Tara Thornfield
Most unconvincing portrayal of aristocracy award for Anna Brecon. Very close to being relegated to “Soap Hairstyle Hell” for the ridiculous childish fringe. What Sean Reynolds sees in you we cannot fathom.


Liz McDonald
Liz, dear, we know you probably wanted to make a dramatic impact for your return to Soapland but you were an attractive redhead. Why did you feel the need to pour two tonnes of domestic bleach on your flaming tresses? Your hair now looks like straw so brittle and over-bleached has it become.

Janice Battersby
Whilst you should be congratulated for finally throwing out that complete waster Les for good, why did you also feel the need to join the legion of died blondes already overcrowding the narrow streets of Weatherfield? It doesn’t suit you, luv, honestly. Go and get a nice bottle of chestnut or warm auburn and dare to be different from all the peroxide blondes.

Kelly Windsor
Gone but not forgotten man-eating wunderkind from Emmerdale. It was the blonde highlights that did it Kelly. Another natural brunette with matching skin tone who (like Janice) had highlights upon highlights until she appeared to be wearing a pair of buff coloured curtains for hair. Such a lovely natural look (NOT).

Gail Platt
Farrah Fawcett flicks went out in the Seventies. And for someone with a small, elfin-like face and a mother who’s (supposedly) a hairdresser, you really should know better.

Roy Cropper
Definitely in need of a crop.