Today, whilst flicking through the discussion boards taking note of the sex section, I was amazed to see what sort of things turn you lot on! There are about 50 boards on role-plays, vibrators, role-plays, fruit and veg, phone sex, cybersex and stuff like that. Me, I prefer good honest clean rolling about on the floor/field/bed or bending over the toilet/sink/table sex.
Reading about the role-plays and hearing people discuss it in chat (and yes, they do!) it makes me wonder. I mean, if Matt flounced towards me dressed as a fireman brandishing his hose – wink wink, nudge nudge – I think I might laugh. And from what I can tell, laughing whilst a man is trying to be sexual and horny and turn you on, sort of, deflates the situation. It’s the same with doctors and policemen etc. I don’t see the point. To me, it’ just more clothes to unbutton and fling off in the fit of passion!!!
And like, hello, what is with this manic use of cucumbers, bananas and vibrators? I mean, why substitute fingers, tongues and dangly bits! Humph, the thought of a big black (or any other colour) plastic thing heading towards me makes me shut my legs quicker than the image of childbirth does. And as for fruit and vegetables… My word!
And the biggest turn on I really, really, really don’t get is cybersex. Nope. Not now, not then, not ever. I mean, why would people do this? Working in the chat rooms as much as I do, I get propositioned a fair bit by people wanting to have a quick pull of their plonker over their computer screen. People come in and say, “What are you wearing?”, “Do you look good in black underwear?” and “Want me to suck your fanny?”
Many moons ago, I was completely gob smacked. I didn’t know how to deal with things like that. Now I’ve realised that they are usually 12-year-old boys who are desperate for a quick bashing of the bishop and haven’t got the cuts to go buy a dirty magazine. OK, so maybe 12 is a little young, but you get the picture.
Now, I know that everybody’s turn-ons are different but you can’t deny that for 99.9% of the male population, the thought of two women at it spells instant soldiers to attention time. Also black underwear, thongs etc seem to be a major part of it for blokes! Me, nothing like that. I think it’s more when I shouldn’t really be having it – when we’re out at a pub or club, for example – that I suddenly get an extreme horn on – but that’s probably a lot to do with the alcohol! I think I just like a challenge and I get even more into it if my boyfriend Matt gets all embarrassed (like he does frequently).
SO, what’s the conclusion? There isn’t really one. I’ve just wittered on about sex yet again. I’m really ruining my innocent pure image aren’t I? Mwah mwah!