Why I Hate Carole Malone & Other Irritants!

Carole Malone is an overweight, over-inflated, over-average newspaper columnist. You may have seen her annoying grin peering over the top of her column in the Sunday Mirror. Of course, you’d never guess that she is overweight from the picture in the paper – a typical, blonde-bobbed, glamour-puss – courtesy of a studio makeover or digital retouching, no doubt.

In real life Ms Malone is rather less pulchritudinous. Indeed, earlier this year Ms Malone even presented a daytime TV programme called “Why Weight” all about the trials of dieting.
It is odd then that Ms Malone’s personal bête noire is overweight women in the media. In the past, she has made verbal attacks on “Sharon” (from Birds of a Feather), Dawn French, Vanessa Feltz (pre- and post-diet) and many other women who defy the idolised body-shape ‘norm’. Her latest victim is “Mandy Dingle”, following news that the actress Lisa Riley is quitting Emmerdale. Ms Malone suggests that the only problem is how to get her out of Yorkshire: “Do they fork-lift her out, write her out or create a natural disaster where the earth moves and she is catapulted out?” Oh ha, bloody, ha, Ms Malone.

Really, you must be so insecure if you can no longer squeeze into a Marks & Sparks size ten. Granted, I can’t and never have been able to so I’m hardly one to talk, but I sure as hell don’t spend my time taking a pop at other women on the basis of their size. Petty sizeism and nameism is for the playground, Ms Malone, which is where you belong.

Rob a bank today, the Sharanski way

A recent survey – and not, for once, from the usual BORES – Bleeding Obvious Research Scientists – but from criminologists at the University of Leicester, has found that the BBC’s Crimewatch programme encourages bank robbers. Quelle horreur! It seems as bandits become wise to the inadequate security systems and the poor quality of film shown on Crimewatch, it gives them more confidence to have a go.
Now this is good news! After all, high street banks have been getting away with daylight robbery of their customers for years. I’m sure we’ve all suffered from the odd £20 or £30 charge from time to time when we least expected it. But few of us make our complaint in person, with direct action and a balaclava over our heads.

Unlike Mr Michael Howard of Leeds who changed his name to “Yorkshire Bank Plc Are Fascist Bastards” after being charged £20 on a £10 overdraft. If I took my lead from him, I could be “Lloyds TSB Are Loathsome Innumerate Scum” for the amount of grief they’ve caused me over the years, but it just doesn’t sound as good as Sharon Sharanski, does it?

Let’s Be Nasty to Anna Kournikova Day

Apart from a mild sideswipe at the babelicious Anna K in my Wimbledon spoof, it’s just struck me that I’ve let the luscious one off rather lightly. Now I wouldn’t normally have a go at a woman simply for being nauseatingly beautiful and causing men to behave like rabid dogs foaming at the mouth, but Anna K has just given me a reason. She says that Liz Hurley is “ugly”. Despite the fact that Ms Hurley is not usually my favourite person, I don’t think any sighted person in the world could possibly describe her as ugly.

And Liz Hurley’s response to all this? She says that Anna is “a very pretty girl” and that “she looked smashing” when they met. Ms Hurley is obviously a lady… whereas Miss Kournikova is an under-talented, over-indulged, spoilt brat with too high an opinion of herself. Game, set and match to Ms Hurley, methinks.

No doubt this will provoke lots of sickeningly supportive messages from men in defence of Miss Kournikova on the discussion boards. When Anna K came under attack in the London Evening Standard by Victoria Coren (and goodness me, it must be so hard to get a newspaper column when your father is Alan Coren of Punch fame) a flurry of responses from men took the view that Anna is the first decent-looking female tennis player in 30 years and that they’ve suffered far too much of watching “men in skirts” playing opposite babes like Anna. Oh please! What short memories you have, guys! Every few years there is a new piece of Wimbledon “hot totty” to detract from the main event – the last I remember was Gabriella Sabatini. And why do we not remember these ladies? Because they weren’t world-class champion players, that’s why!

Unlike men, most women need to see signs of integrity, personality and ability (at their job, sport or chosen profession) before deeming men “fanciable”. That Dan Sullivan in EastEnders? Ugly bastard. Why? Because the character has such an ugly personality, that’s why. This is an area where men and women will never see eye to eye.

Connecting you now, madam…

Following my “Give me back my line” rant, BT finally fixed my telephone, a mere 22 days after I moved into my flat. They’re still sending bills for money I don’t owe them, but we can’t expect Rome to be built in a day, now can we.